Relationships: Sex And Intimacy

Posted on October 30th, 2009

42-22092872Sex and intimacy are two important ingredients when cooking up the right relational recipe, but some people mistakenly think they are one and the same.

I don’t know about you but I’ve read tons of books on this subject and come away with this conclusion: men think that by having sex they are showing intimacy, but women think intimacy is when you hold them, not have sex with them.

Am I right, or am I right, ladies?

So how do we get men to realize that intimacy (those deep conversations over shared interests, an unexpected hug of support, or that knowing look) has nothing to do with the sexual act and everything to do with the heart, mind, and emotions?

Well, we have to communicate it to them. But we have to learn their ways of communicating just like they have to learn our ways of thinking. Men are visual learners, not given to lots of words (written or spoken). If you doubt this just try to talk to him when he is engrossed in watching television or working on his computer or car.

Uh huh, yeah, oh, okay, will be about all the communicating you hear from him during those efforts. And I guarantee he won’t even remember what you said if you ask him about it later. So you can’t use words to teach him the difference between sex and intimacy. You have to use visual action.

So, since he is into visual (and likely physical), you teach him what intimacy is the same way you teach your child how to do something; you show him. If intimacy to you is having your other half give you a hug and a word of encouragement when someone upsets you; you do the same to him when someone upsets him.

You are creating a pattern for him to become familiar with and to follow. He won’t likely get it the first time or two, but don’t give up on him. Desirable habits have to be formed. None of us “gets things” the first time out of the starting gate either, do we?

When he does get it right, reward him with what you know he equates intimacy with: sex. After all, it has to be a two-way street if you are going to keep him motivated in this educational pursuit. If you are the only one getting your needs met then what is his motive to join in the effort?

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